Kick the bucket list – dream crazy big –
Posted on January 6, 2016 Leave a Comment
It’s January 6, 2016. Has your new year’s resolution died already? Has your bucket list kicked the bucket? Maybe it’s time to stir the mayonnaise a little – or maybe it’s time to throw out the mayo altogether. It’s time to disrupt your tired life.
When Dick Clark asked Madonna what she wanted out of life on her first appearance on American Bandstand, she replied, “To rule the world.” That’s how you set an intention and that’s quite a bucket list item. American Bandstand has folded and Dick Clark is dead. Madonna, on the other hand, is the highest paid musician in the world. She dreams big. No, she dreams huge, and you can too.
Choose one insanely great goal for this year. Pick something you’d love to do but are afraid to mention to even your closest friend. Think about it, you don’t have to decide right this minute. Give it some time to simmer. Then, write it on a piece of paper and on the new moon coming up on January 9th, go outside and burn that piece of paper. Watch the smoke rise skyward and thank the universe for delivering your intention over the next 30 days.
Crazy I know. I dare you to do it anyway!
A mindfulmonday thought – Happily Ever After –
Posted on January 4, 2016 Leave a Comment
…and they all lived happily ever after. The End. That’s the way the movies always ended when I was a kid. Or, that was the way I thought the movies always ended when I was a kid and that’s the way I thought life was supposed to go. There was a point in life where the hero discovers the secret formula to life and lives happily ever after.
Why is it then, that I’m still searching for the formula and the happily ever after part remains elusive? Could it be that the fantasy that Hollywood has sold us is unrealistic or unattainable? Or, perhaps it’s the fact that happily ever after is a place that can’t be accessed by plane or boat or car – maybe, it’s a state of mind. Maybe I’ve been living in happily ever after my entire life and didn’t even know it. What if discovering happily ever after simply involved breathing? BREATHING. Just take a breath. Listen to the inhale. Feel yourself holding the breath, then listen to the exhale. That point in between the inhale and the exhale, that stillness, is the place where eternity and infinity live. The pause between assimilation and elimination is perfection. It’s the intersection of heaven and earth and it’s called Happily Ever After. Enjoy.
2015 in review
Posted on December 30, 2015 Leave a Comment
It was an amazing year here at culvermccall.com. Here are some of the highlights…
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,600 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 27 trips to carry that many people.
I’m an exercise addict and I’m #gymfree –
Posted on December 28, 2015 Leave a Comment
I’ve been an exercise addict most of my life. It started long before I came crashing down from drugs and alcohol. But, my exercise addiction really got some steam behind it when I got sober. Suddenly, I had all this time on my hands that used to be spent either pursuing drugs, consuming drugs or coming down from drugs. Sober life left a vacuum that could only be filled by one thing, exercise.
I started taking aerobics classes at the gym where I was working. Then, I got the idea that I wanted to be a lifeguard, so I got certified and spent the next three summers guarding the lives of the privileged members of a downtown Boston health club – they never swam, thus I never had to do anything more than look pretty. My off hours were spent swimming laps and in the gym downstairs pumping my chest towards an ever evasive perfect form. Whittling my waist down to twenty eight inches became an obsession too. Oh, and let’s not forget that mandatory bubble butt.
When a friend of mine suggested that I start teaching fitness classes, I laughed. It wasn’t long before I was in the front of the room taking the same privileged women in thong leotards through endless workout routines that never delivered that feeling of perfection that we all so desperately were seeking. “Just a few more pounds honey and then he’ll love you,” I would tell the chubby women in the back of the class.
Over the next thirty years I’ve spent at-least five hours a week in the gym. For most of the nineties, my gym-time totaled about 25 hours a week. That was in the hey-day of step aerobics when I was paid a hundred dollars an hour to step up and down on a plastic platform climbing endlessley to a nirvana that I never reached.
Running was the next right step in my quest to fitness bliss. It has lead me to half marathons, full marathons and logging miles all over the world – many of those miles were run on treadmills in gyms, going nowhere! I can’t say that my fitness addiction has hurt me in any way. But, I’m coming to realize that I’ve spent more waking hours pursuing an impossible goal that will never be reached than I ever spent doing drugs – go figure. That’s why I’m reevaluating my fitness routines for 2016 and I’ve decided to become #gymfree. That’s right, I threw my gym membership key card into the Hudson river one day this fall on a seven mile run. Why do I need to pay for a gym membership when the world is my gym, I thought. And with the current trend of using your body weight as your only exercise equipment, you too can become #gymfree. Save yourself $80 – $100 per month and cut the cord. In 2016 everyone will be going #gymfree. You’ve been warned.
*Note – The video above is George Michael’s “I Want Your Sex”. It was the very first warmup song I used for my very first fitness class.
Jump into Life –
Posted on December 22, 2015 4 Comments
I heard news this morning about a friend of mine that jumped to his death from the George Washington Bridge. I met him almost thirty years ago when we were both just kids. He was tall and athletic and beautiful – and he had a beautiful boy friend too. He appeared to have everything and I was very envious of him.
Through the years I would run into him and he would share his difficulties with me. He was struggling with addiction and most of the time, the addiction was winning.
The last time I saw him, a couple of years ago in the East Village, it was clear that his drug use was taking its toll on him – yet, he was still trying to get clean. Then this past summer he chose to take his life, jumping off the GWB. I guess that suicide was the only way out for him.
Life and death are a mystery. My mother always says that death is an inconvenience to those left behind. But, I wonder if we do really find relief when we take our last breath – and if we do have past lives and future lives, am I doing everything today that will make my future lives rewarding? Or will I be chasing karmic debt like a hamster in a habitrail for eternity?
I’ve often thought about jumping myself. Fortunately, the urge passes quickly and I return to the land of the living. Today I will choose to jump into life rather than jump out of it. That’s the best way I can honor the life of my friend Tim.
Say Hello Wave Goodbye –
Posted on December 16, 2015 Leave a Comment
Everyone has a point in their lives where their destiny is changed forever. When we look back on those moments, we realize that was the point of no return – that was when everything changed. That point is a defining moment in our lives and who we are couldn’t have happened without that moment. For me, that time in my life was the summer of ’82. It is the subject of my new book.
There were 5 angels that entered my life in the summer of ’82. All of them touched me in very different ways and all of them are long gone. We were gay brothers coming of age at the dawn of a new era. I am the sole survivor. This book is dedicated to them and especially my friend Davey who walked into my life out of the strobe lights and fog of a dance floor and faded away within a year. I carry him with me today, thirty years later…
Discipline and Grace –
Posted on December 14, 2015 Leave a Comment
I am a writer. I write every day. But, it isn’t sheer willpower or genius that gets me to the computer and sets my fingers tapping. It takes a lot more than that to get a writer to write. It takes discipline and grace.
Yes, there’s a dash of genius in everything I write. There’s always a point in my writing where I lose myself and fall into the void that is the universal mind – or should I say, it happens almost every time. There are those occasions when I sit down to write and nothing flows. It feels like trying to connect to the internet when there’s no wifi signal. I just sit there and wait. On those days, I have to forgive myself, close the laptop and go on with my day. Every artist has creative droughts.
But, on the good days when everything is flowing, it’s grace that is at work. The bridge to the place where all words originate is grace. It has little to do with genius and nothing to do with me. It’s a miracle that I will never fully understand and most likely never be able to communicate. But, every day I sit down to write and wait for grace to strike, which she does quite regularly.
That brings me to discipline. Grace is the ultimate wallflower. She sits quietly on the sidelines and waits for an invitation to dance. If I never open the computer and start to tap, I miss the chance to dance with grace. It takes discipline to “find” the time to write. When I make it a priority through active intention, the discipline turns into paragraphs that sometimes unleash magic – other times it’s just a bunch of crap. It takes a lot of grace combined with discipline to find your genius. In the meantime, just sit down and write!
Playing With Fire –
Posted on December 9, 2015 Leave a Comment
We have the power to inspire.
We talk about peace and love on earth
but, really we’re just witnesses at the birth,
the spark of destruction is upon us.
Mighty manifestors are we with power beyond measure
and yet we’re so close
to detonating this treasure.
This rocket we call home is just a shooting star.
Remember where you came from and who you really are,
there’s more at stake than just another gun for hire.
Morn not for what has been,
or be trumped by one more thief or liar
and remember what Mother told you about boys who play with fire.
Posted on December 8, 2015 Leave a Comment
Life is a symphony –
If life is a symphony
the cello plays the part of the air we breathe
the drum beats in time with our heart
and the plucks of the violin strings give rise to aspirations and dreams.
The flute’s song is our soul soaring to heights unimagined,
the trumpet announces a new chapter has begun.
The trombone reminds us of songs unsung,
the cymbals crashing note the miraculous
and throughout it all, the highs and lows
keep time and are held in place,
by the piano’s grace.
Right here, right now, the orchestra plays a universe,
be still and listen to the music that is the symphony of life.
We Will Not Regret The Past Nor Wish To Shut The Door On It – Thanksgiving 1982
Posted on November 26, 2015 Leave a Comment
Have you ever taken a loved one for granted, assumed they would always be there when you needed them, told yourself you’d call tomorrow, but tomorrow never came? That’s what Thanksgiving 1982 was for me. I was a sophomore in college and smack dab in the middle of a bad case of drug addiction. The following is an excerpt from my book Stonewall to Obama.
You know the end is near when they convert the formal living room into a bedroom. We were all home from school for Thanksgiving. Mom told me that Grandma was not well and no longer had the strength to climb the spiral staircase to the second floor and her bedroom. So, the housekeepers had moved the furniture around and placed a bed in the middle of the football field sized living room. There Grandma was, propped up in her bed, overlooking the Steinway.
“Hi Gram,” I said. “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.” “It’s not serious. Really, I’m fine,” she said. How’s your playing going? You have to find time to practice if you’re going to make it to Carnegie Hall.” “It’s going ok,” I lied. “But, it’s hard to find a piano to practice on at school.” I sat down at the Steinway and attempted to play ‘Evergreen’ which I knew was one of Grandma’s favorites.
“I’m a bit rusty,” I explained. Really I hadn’t played the piano in over a year. But, I didn’t want to let Grandma know that drugs and alcohol had started taking away from my life. That would break her heart. I stumbled through the piece and Grandma applauded. “Playing the piano is just like riding a bike,” she said. “Once you know the basics, they can never take it away from you. You’ll get it back. You must practice, Culver – Practice, practice, practice! Remember who you are.”
All of the cousins were there for Thanksgiving and we each took turns spending time with Grandma. Dinner was the usual opulent feast. Just like every other year, the housekeeper didn’t scrimp on anything. The silver was polished. We ate off of the gold leaf embossed china and drank from the quartz cut crystal goblets. Fresh flowers were everywhere. It was comforting to know that some things never change – or do they? Perhaps I was too innocent or naive, or maybe I was just in some sort of drug-induced denial. But, the idea that my beloved grandmother was dying completely evaded me. I had no way of knowing that this perfect world that she had created for us would evaporate in less than a month. After dinner all of the older cousins decided to go out. Thankfully the drinking age in New York was 18 at that time. So, we could all party legally. We headed out to Arthur’s Court for a post-holiday evening of debauchery. 16 gin and tonics later, we rolled home. Cousin Rich was hungry and took the entire turkey up to the rumpus room and had his own feast sitting on the pool table. I ended up in the bathroom barfing it all up and then drifting off to sleep with my head against the cool marble tiles of the bathroom floor. As I slipped into a haze, I heard Mom call up to Rich to put the turkey back in the fridge when he was done with it. All and all a great night, no?
Back at school and finals done for the semester, Mom called to tell me that Grandma had passed away…
I can’t bring my grandmother or her perfect world back to life, but I can honor the values she taught me. This thanksgiving I’m remembering who I am – a child of God with the power of the universe at my fingertips. Thanks Middy for continuing to inspire me to be great. I miss you so…
Culver McCall 